The Shallows (2016)

“I’m not dying here.”

What’s it about?

A shark is living quietly in it’s natural habitat when a dangerous and terrifying white girl from Texas decides to crash it’s peaceful life.

Who’s in it?

Blake Lively in a bikini, a beautiful nameless beach, Steven Seagull and a shark that doesn’t take no for an answer.

Why should I watch it?

+ Blake Lively carried the film pretty well
+ Didn’t really require some serious acting though, her character basically takes a beating the entire movie
+ The beach is real pretty, lots of beautiful scenery shots
+ย Story of survival
+ She’s put in a scenario where she just has enough of the right assets and skills to make it through
+ Bit like how Matt Damon was a botanist in The Martian, here she’s a medical student who rides the waves
+ Good problem solving skills, timing the shark and stiching herself up
+ Know what this director is really good at doing? Blending text messages etc into scenes
+ Looked great in Non-Stop too
+ Slo mo scene hitting coral was cool
+ Shark has decent CGI, it’s believable
+ Has an intimidating presence, showing the fin and silhouette
+ Like how people just disappear when the waves block the view
+ Some scenes will get you on the edge of your seat, especially as someone who isn’t initated in the art of swimming
+ Steven Seagull stole the show, great comedic timing and made people laugh
+ Can’t wait to see how this opens doors for him in bigger movies
+ Run time is short and sweet, which is ideal for contained thrillers
+ Oh, and Blake Lively arse shots

Why shouldn’t I watch it?

– How the fuck does she get internet in a secluded island?
– I can’t even get an internet connection at home sometimes
– Don’t trust drunk people to save your life
– Get why they added the emotional connection but it doesn’t get that “deep”
– The Shallows? Not that deep? Holy shit, I’m funny
– Isn’t really a scary film, if you know what I mean
– As a non-swimmer, I think I’m more scared of the deep water than the shark
– Not sure if the shark is hungry or just like killing things?
– I mean, it just had one bite off that whale and it only cut that other dude in half
– Is the shark just a picky eater?
– If someone who looks like they aren’t in the best shape and they’re yelling “Shaaaark!”
– Never respond with “There are no sharks here”
– Flare-ectile dysfunction, maybe the flare gun got nervous being handled by Blake Lively? She is pretty hot right?
– Really girly songs feel out of place, she’s supposed to be a badass man!
– Her talking to herself as she would’ve talked to her patients was cheesy AF
– Okaaaaay… That’s one way to end the movie I suppose?

Anything else?

Again, full disclosure: I have been drinking before watching this movie so you should probably listen to someone else who was a little bit more sober. It’s a bit like The Martian mixed with 127 Hours (especially with the quality time with the camera thing) but with a whole lot more Blake Lively arse shots. General response with The Shallows? It is what it is. If you’ve been waiting for a good shark movie to fill your appetite, then don’t be scared to dip your toes in this ocean.

Also, if anyone is looking for a name for the porn parody of this film, go with The Swallows. Thank me later.

6/10

You might also like:
127 Hours
Buried
The Martian

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43 thoughts on “The Shallows (2016)

  1. Omg, ROFL.. hilarious review.. ur drunk reviews are the greatest ๐Ÿ™‚ I haven’t seen the movie but to just to see livery’s arse and Mr. Shallow shark? I think I will pass..

    Liked by 1 person

      1. To be fair, if Blake Lively was stuck on a tiny island and I was a shark, I’d stick around too! I do love how some of the reviewers of this movie are claiming that the shark is seeking revenge for a previous encounter with a human. I mean, the whole shark sticking around by itself is unrealistic but for revenge? Err no! Lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Don’t get me started on John Wick. That movie depresses the hell out of me. I think I’d go assassin in revenge in his circumstance. I think you should potentially plug the Shallows tag line as Baywatch meets John Wick

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Really? a 6/10? Did the shark not annoy you? Maybe I’ve been watching too many deep sea documentaries since the whole way the shark behaved just made me so annoyed! Sharks don’t act like that it would’ve gone for the whale then left!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aha maybe lack of shark behaviour information or the fact that I was drinking but I thought it was alright aha yeah it had like one bite. Maybe it’s on a diet.

      Liked by 1 person

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